BCI NET 2

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ BCI NET 2 / BCI NET 2.iso / archives / textfiles / jokes3.lha / jokes_3 / Interesting_Stuff_1 < prev next >

Wrap

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 43.0 KB | 955 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. "Who needs to do the weather? There are so many health clubs that need a spokesman." Now that the government is going to balance the budget, it is up to the rest of us to budget the balance. Some folks think we are getting too much government these days. They should be very happy that we are not getting all of the stuff we are paying for. If you believe that talk is cheap, try getting into an argument with a traffic patrol person. This will straighten out your thinking and flatten your wallet. If you really want to get someone's attention, mention their name in a whisper. About the only way to stay awake during an after-dinner speech is to make it. Sometimes, even this solution fails! Your memory is that function of your brain which allows that you dial part of the phone number you intended calling correctly. You are a total loser if you get your junk mail with postage due! Say what you will about rock and roll music. It has opened up a whole new field of employment to those who otherwise would not be able to find a job either playing an instrument or singing or both. Due to a fairly new trend, funeral directors are urning a lot of money these days. You know you are getting older when work seems to be less fun and fun seems to be more work. Most skiers are people who jump to contusions. A man sought medical aid because he was crippled and could hardly walk.The foot doctor suggested surgery. After the operation, nothing changed. The man then consulted a bone surgeon, who suggested surgery on his legs. After this second operation, nothing changed. The man went to a chiropractor for six months, and no change was effected, although he was told his spine was out of line. Finally the man consulted a psychiatrist at great expense, and the doctor told him he was totally suicidal and would die within months. Despondent, the man went out and spent a great deal of money on a new wardrobe. At the shoe store, he ordered the finest, a size 10. The salesperson said he needed size ll, but the man insisted on a size 10. "Look here," said the salesperson, "if you were a size 10 you are going to get crippled and wish you were dead." You have passed the test and can be considered as friendly if you dial a wrong number and manage to talk the the person who answers for fifteen minutes. Birthdays are healthy, those who have more of them live longer. No wonder kids get confused. Half the adults tell them to find themselves, and the other half of the adults tell them to get lost. Ask not what your country can do for you. If you do, taxes will go up. What do they call a Civic Center Arena in California? An Epicenter, naturally. No More Chicken Crossing the Road Jokes: The chicken actually HAS crossed the road, just to show the possum it could be done, so no more of those silly jokes! A Senator, speaking of our current Vice President, whose name shall not be mentioned (we don't like hate mail written in crayon!): "I think if you put his brain on the edge of a very fine razor, it would be like a BB, rolling down the middle of I-70." Reader Mail - Or - Maybe It's That Same Old Postcard We Didn't Throw Away! How can you? After you promised! You said you would not say anything more about our nice Vice President! Just this very minute, you did it again. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! He is, after all, a very fine upstanding young man of great character and wonderful parentage and all that, so knock it off! Response: Hey, it was a Senator who volunteered to find the Vice President's brain. I neither own nor have access to a high powered electron microscope of super high magnification! Now, Mom, tell Dan to go to bed and get his rest. Tomorrow brings another full day for him, trying to find his office. You Heard It Here First Department: Heraldo Rivera is going to present a four hour documentary on cheating by the use of steroids by various sports teams of nursing home residents. For Computer Programmers who want to read the Bible. Yours opens with the first sentence of the first book. "In the beginning, God was unformatted," and then it goes on! And here you thought your money was going to waste. Well, a Federal Appeals Court has ordered the FDA to determine whether drugs proposed for Lethal Injection executions are "safe and effective!" In a rally, staged by the Phillipine Benevolent Christian Missionaries Association of Mercy, 26 people died of food poisoning due to the unsanitary conditions of the place. Another ten were hacked to death because they did not believe in the healing powers of their leader! Later, the leader was also hospitalized for food poisoning. Westminister, Colorado: James Moore, charged with theft, showed up at the pre-trial hearing wearing a nice brown suade jacket, identical to the one with which he was charged with stealing. Brains, where are thou? How many Army Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes l,300,001! Oh, it only takes on man to put the new light bulb in, but it takes the others to get the country back to the place where they can use the light again. Good clothes and good neighbors wear longest when they are not used too often. Ice skating is fine, unless you happen to be on the wrong side of the ice. From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. In life, as you go over the hill, you will find that you pick up speed. If you need help to discover what the entrees on the menu mean, you are in the wrong place, since it is highly unlikely you will be able to afford the meal! The most obvious response when you return a call is to get the wrong number, a busy signal or no answer to the phone. Someone can always be found, lurking about out there in the bushes somewhere, who can tell you what you intended to say far better than you can, so be very careful what you say when outside, walking around among bushes. Things are never as bad as they can turn out to be if given a little time. Anyone who volunteers to meet you half way in a discussion or any form of disagreement also believes that they are currently standing right on the dividing line. A cynic is a person searching for an honest person and in the doing of this the cynic employs the use of a stolen lantern. As long as the United States Government exists, there is no real accomplishment being a humorist. When the legislature is in session, this country is every bit as safe as when the baby gets hold of a loaded gun. Once you have surgery and get the bill for it, you will automatically have a new and deeper appreciation of why it is that the doctor wears a mask when doing it! An elected official is one who got 51% of the vote cast by 42% of the 67% of the people who are eligible to vote. When you calculate the odds, you are just damn lucky to get anyone to run for any office. When you have achieved the ability to reach a new low in the composition of corny lyrics often repeated with simpering sentimentality and based on a truly stupid unworkable phiolosophy and you can support this with some of the most god-awful totally uninspired melody, you may have a hit that will last all of six weeks - and today - this is an artistic achievement! Persistent prophecy is one of the more familiar ways of assuring the event. The trouble with Ronald Reagan was that he lacked the power of meaningful conversation, but not the power of speech. Dear Friends: I guess it was supposed to be some sort of honor to put me on the National Committee to raise funds for the Dan Quayle War Memorial Garden to be located here in Washington someplace. The honor is dubious, at least to me. We can not put this memorial garden near any memorial to George Washington, since as many of you know, he is often credited with having told the truth. It is said that he never told a lie. We can not put this memorial garden near any memorial to Franklin D. Roosevelt, since it is said he never quite got around to telling the truth. Our memorial garden to Dan Quayle ought to be somewhere in between one of these other monuments or memorials, since Dan has shown that he would not know the difference regarding what the others were famous for. This memorial garden should be located on a plot formerly occupied by livestock, since Dan is also known for spreading a lot of the same stuff that livestock ordinarily spread. It would be most fitting if we could find a plot near a memorial or statue of Christopher Columbus, since he did not know where he was going or how he would get there, or what he would do when he got there, or how he would get home in the event he wanted to go home, and when he did get home, he did not know where he had been, and since he did all of this in a condition of serious debt to the government, it just seems fitting. (Copy of great historical unsigned letter by someone who is unknown!) Confidence is that quite rock bottom solid feeling of goodness and self-worth, which is yours until you go out and make a ridiculous fool of yourself in public while the television cameras are running. Possibly the greatest threat to those who want to believe that everything in the Bible is true was advanced by an individual standing in wading boots in cool water up to his hind end, in fact, who revealed that most of the early witnesses to all that Jesus said and did were fishermen! I've learned from watching ads on television that if you are an insecure cretin who has smelly parts that leak offensive fluids or secret things that are just short of obscene, being idle, unwanted and underprivileged, driven by a craze for sex and seeking status in some neurotic manner more befitting a sub-normal moron, with piles and lose dentures, lacking money, brains, muscles, figure and self-confidence (not necessarily in that order), advertizers are after you. They want your money. The real trouble with telling a fairly decent story which will make people laugh is that someone in the group of listeners will be reminded of another story which will completely undo what has just been done. Fatherhood is natures way of providing every teenager with a banker. Rock journalism is written by people who can not write about people who can not talk for people who can not read. It all balances out! Don't look forward to the day you are going to stop suffering and getting frustrated, since when it comes, you are dead! That all men should live as brothers is the dream of someone who has no brothers. You've got to believe in luck. How else can you explain the success of those whom you don't like? Youth is a period of missed opportunities without the glory of knowing what was missed. Never try to keep up with the Joneses, drag them down to your own level. It is eversomuch cheaper. The odds are five to six that the light at the end of the tunnel is mounted on the front of a train. While it may be true that success is relative, it is absolutely true that none of my relatives are a success. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. Home is the place where, when you have to go there because everything else is closed, they have to take you in. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then, he is finished. Love is an ideal thing. Marriage is a real thing. The confusion of the ideal with the real is a serious and tragic error. It never goes unpunished. A group of the unwilling, picked by the unfit to do the unnecessary for the ungrateful. Ah, what a committee that would be! The President of Eastern Airlines is marketing an Airplane Package Kit, the kind you ordinarily put together. Only in this instance, the plane comes assembled and you break it up and sell the parts. The Annual White House Easter Egg Hunt was held on schedule this year, and it was attended by Vice President Dan Quayle. Got three eggs! How do I think the President will handle the budget deficit? I think he will issue Quayle bonds - no interest, no maturity. How is Dan Quayle like Millard Fillmore? They are both Vice Presidents who didn't live in this century. What would you get if you crossed Dan Quayle with Richard Nixon? You would get a public official who does not know if he is a crook or not. These three comments above came from Penthouse Magazine, I am told on reliable authority. What do you get from Penthouse? Bad bird jokes, it appears. Things You Simply Must Know Department: In 1987 approximately l00,000 people had a total of about 25 tons of fat liposuctioned from their bodies. This is enough body to make 325 more people. However, they would really be in bad shape physically. A piece of string goes into a bar, climbs up on a stool and orders a martini. Bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve no strings in this joint." String leaves, rather disgusted. Out in parking lot, string decides to make a disguise for itself, and does. Changes color, frizzes up the body and ties a bow knot in the center. Reenters bar, sits down and orders a martini. Again, Bartender says, "hey, ain't you the string I just threw outta here?" "No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot." (Sorry, apologies all around on this!) Actor Gary Busey, seriously injured in a motorcycle accident, was not wearing a helmet at the time. He says he does not believe that people need to wear such items, since he survived and he thus opposes laws requiring riders to wear any helmet. Says also he plans to go fishing for skyhooks in Laos when Europe is open after the war and that gas prices will reflect the loss of carrots. He fully expects the return of Nordac to Lauter and will not drink water during this time. Claims full recovery from accident, which he does not clearly seem to remember. The three men who attempted to board an international flight from St. Louis to London with hydrogen bombs in their possession have been cleared of all charges and released. Lawyers for the National Rifle Association said that all they were planning to do was go hunting. What do you get if you cross Dan Quayle with a pit bull? You get a Vice President people will pay attention to! People would do nothing if they waited until they could do it so well that no one could find fault with what they have done. There is but one inerrant inevitable formula for success on a computer. This involves the combination of a computer with a human being, and it is bound to be even more effective if that human being is self-conceived as a computer programmer. By a combination of these two elements in any manner possible, complete disaster is proximate and immanent and will happen at the most inopportune time in the most disastrous manner, most often to the hard disk which is filled to near capacity and which has not had a back-up made in several months. One of the considerations in the formula for any pizza is that it be made so that the sticky side, when it slips out of your hand, will be the side that hits the expensive carpet first. Word processors, Like hot cakes selling, Correct our typing - and our spelling! But that machine we're truly seeking Erases errors, when we're speaking.... Sign Seen On Plumbers Truck: A flush is better than a full house. Which is the biggest seat of crime today? 1) Miami 2) Washington D.C. 3) The Khomeini family residence 4) Any Chicago election 5) The Oklahoma Football Team Urban sprawl is the forest's prime evil! Sign Seen on Amish Buggy in Illinois: "Caution: Do not step in exhaust." If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for jevelin catching! A newly married man comes home to find his wife in tears. He asks what caused the tears and she tells him. "The dog ate our dinner! To which he replies: "Don't worry, I'll buy you a new dog." There are some really dumb folks around. There was this guy that caught a terrible cold, sitting in his car, waiting for the ticket booth to open at the Drive-In Theater. The feature, on the board "Opening in the Spring." Food is dangerous. Practically everyone who eats it eventually dies. It's not expensive to go to a fortune teller, they usually charge medium prices. An obstinate person does not hold opinions, the opinions hold the person! A person who does much makes many mistakes, but never the greatest mistake of all, doing nothing. When a person does not have a reason for doing something, that person has one very good reason for leaving something undone. Vice President Dan Quayle is going to go to Camp David as soon as his mother gets the name tapes sewed into his clothing. Says he looks forward to camp experience. To be aware of your ignorance is a giant step toward true knowledge. I figure that the best way to figure what the IRS will figure is to get them to figure what you are figuring that they will figure that you are not really figuring what you want them to figure that you figure. If you figure all of this out sufficiently, you have got to figure that they can't figure you out in the first place. There is a proportion between the joy of accomplishment and the suspense of the challenge. Explain is the simplest way in which you can serve eggs. This is no yoke. Doesn't it just crack you up? (Got these all out of my system at once!) What do you call a dog that has no legs? Don't bother yourself with the question. Whatever you call it, it won't come! Another almost as equally awful dog remark: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie? We are not sure, but we know that after it chews you up, it goes for help. Barbara Bush, our current first lady, assures us she can wipe out illiteracy in Washington, but it will take moving Dan Quayle to Virginia to get the job done. Every year, I get the same tax form in the mail, with my name label on it. Can someone tell me how I can cancel my subscription? My tax refund came in, so now I know what I am going to do, down to Wag's to buy me a state-of-the-art Hershey Bar! What happened to you? You look like either you were hit by a fast truck or had a hot date with Roseanne! If a faith healer has to have false teeth, wear glasses and use a hearing aid, well, so much for Oral Roberts! Many folks watch talk shows on televsion, and many of these same folks end up watching a hocky game in which the teams are not wearing uniforms. The NRA advises children not to stop on their way home from school, except to reload. Vice President Quayle is a leading candidate for an award, as best actor in a still photograph. May the Merrill Lynch Bull leave its portfolio on your rug! If looks could kill, you would be a seriel murderer. You are almost as ugly as a U.P.S. truck, but it has a nice bumper. I can't help admiring you, at least until you put the gun down. Tough school? In mine, on teacher's appreciation day, we untied them and let them run freely, to the principal's office. For the next Wrestlemania, they are trying to sign a new opponent for Hulk Hogan, but Roseanne is holding out for more money! What is all white, has fifty legs, 34 teeth and an IQ of 23? A Ku Klux Klan Chapter Former Attorney General Edwin Meese served as a character witness for Oliver North during his trial. Jay Leno made the remark that having such a witness is much like asking Steve Garvey (a mass killer) to give your wife a ride home. Caution: Do not wash your parakeet in the automatic dishwasher, since it is now known that the feathers tend to clog the drain. I Think I May Have Eaten There Myself Department: A man left a restaurant with a sandwich for which he had not paid, at high noon. He was quickly apprehended by the police and had the evidence in hand at the time. Taken before the local magistrate, the man admitted his guilt. The magistrate, reflecting on the fact that on one occasion he himself had eaten there at the same restaurant from which the sandwich was stolen, ordered the man to undergo a thorough psychiatric examination and waived all criminal charges. Some sandwich! If you are average, you are the worst of the best and the best of the worst. In Response to the Heavy Mail Department: I did not say that Dan Quayle was so dumb he flunked his blood test. I know for a fact that his grade was D+, so I did not say that. Please do not accuse me of saying things I did not say. The above material was private and confidential, so you should not read it! Thank you for your cooperation. Happinness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family.....in another city. Kid goes into barber shop and orders his very long hair cut to the roots. Older bystander laughingly asks him how much weight he has lost in doing this. Kid says he estimates about 135 pounds! "135 pounds!" says the bystander with a surprised look on his face. "Yep, that's about what my Mom weighs, and she is off my back about this hair," says the kid! There Are a Lot of Things Coming From Foreign Lands Department: Packing Slip -- About the Depacking Check 1) Depend on installation shcedule, depacking shall be done from necessary parts. 2) After the depacking is depacked it shall be checked according to the contents list. 3) Have to check damage and rusting situation 4) After depacking have to check if there are more small parts, if they remain dropped or broken. Then crates shall be thrown. 5) Packing of electricity shall be kept in the factory as soon as possible. Do not deconnect if it is and if it is not don't. 6) Please represent factory if lost. If more than enough, simply cast away. 7) Report any damage somewhere immediate if collect to be given. 8) Never put like hair tonic in produce or other liquid when current in. The product above is a toaster. Obviously the manufacturer had a great deal of information to offer, but it got lost in translation. After I unpacked it, I went out to breakfast! I can tell you this, I do not plan to comb the bread and put hair tonic on it before putting it in the toaster. Presently, I am trying to decide whether to have a party when we throw them crates! The slip does not reveal the country of origin - no wonder.... A man had a long argument with his wife recently. She wanted to purchase a brand new living room couch. I told her, the man said, that there was nothing wrong with the old couch. We argued all evening, said the man, but I finally got the word. I said go ahead and buy the damned thing... There is nothing so sure to make you forgot all of your other troubles as the wearing of tight shoes. The common cold is sometimes positive and sometimes negative. The eyes have it, and then again, the nose has it. I just wish that Dan Quayle would stop that endless smiling all the time. How are we going to send him overseas to all those funerals? Two teachers were out for a coke after Friday afternoon classes dismissed. Says one to the other, "If there is anything to this reincarnation business, I'd love to come back as a childhood disease." I've tried to drown my sorrows, but those suckers learned how to swim! Why aren't the members of the NRA required to do weekend National Guard Duty? That is a well regulated militia. Senator Paul Simon is leading a campaign to ban violence from television. This may mean an end to the Morton Downy program! Progress is marvelous. In former days, you could dial a wrong number locally. Now, thanks to progress, you can dial a wrong number all over the world. Want to speak with Fawn Hall or Ollie North? They have an 800 number! Simply dial 1-800-WE SHRED Many of you saw the movie "The Bridge Over The River Kwai." There is no question the Japanese have done well. They now own the bridge, the river, the movie and Alex Guinnis. Want to call Geraldo Rivera. He has an 800 number! Simply dial 1-800-TRASH-TV Crime is slowing in the Washington D.C. area. They are running out of victims. Behind every successful man you can bet there is one surprised mother-in-law. Just Awful Things to Say to Those You Don't Like: You insignificant ball of contaminated swamp mud. You bucketful of elephant tooth plaque You miserable substitute for real buzzard barf. I bought Jane Fonda's exercise book. I use it as a snack tray. I tried one of those new diet books, but when chapter three said I should make a trip to Three Mile Island for a meltdown, I ceased the whole idea. There is really no use in doing housework. You do it and then six months later you have to go back and do it all over again. "Boy George," just what England needs, another Queen who can't dress! It is difficult to feel sorry for yourself after you watch a soap opera. There is no greater mistake to be made than to be consistently correct. If you can endure criticism without being resentful, heaven is assured. There is nothing quite so ugly and mean as reason, when it is in opposition to what we want to do. Winning isn't everything, but there are hordes of people to whom winning everything seems to be. Pro basketball players are so tall that some few of them don't have to stand on their tiptoes to see over their wallets. It is most difficult to acquire wisdom without first having survived a whole mine field filled with folly. Ridicule is the first and last argument of a fool. Praise is like gold - its value is derived from its scarcity. Self-doubt about your honesty can be had by winning two games of solitaire in a row. If you really want to experience frustration, try telling some pessimist how nice they look and getting some enthusiam going. THE TRUTH WILL MAKE YOU FREE: --but first, it will make you anxious. --however, if it comes in the form of a utility bill, likely the first thing to be freed up will be your bank book. --however, if it comes as an estimate, you will be free to say "no thanks" before you pass out. --you will be free to pay for it after you get it, because there is nothing all that free these days. --but it will come in several costly lessons. --assuredly, but the container in which it comes is tremendously expensive. --so will prune juice, but have you noticed the price of the stuff lately? --never mind the truth, it is the agent that brings it that must be paid. --but it is the tax that is imposed for imparting it to you that is expensive. --and so will All Bran, but the price for both is rising. It is now almost as expensive to fill the lawnmower with gas as it once was to fill the car. It is a real waste of time taking kids to a zoo that is without a vacancy. The guy who brags that he walked three miles to school probably has a grandchild that has to park that far away today. Crime does not pay, which places it in approximately the same wage catagory as virtue. Now you can get a weather forecast based upon radar which is fairly accurate for the next day or two, however, for really long range forecasting, you must have rheumatism. All you need to do is turn on the television to find out that the Gross National Product is just as gross as ever. Dan Quayle may not have been wanted by his parents, who kept asking him, after he was born, why he was not more like Gertrude. Gertrude died at birth. Toxic substances are a danger to the environment, and frequently a topic of discussion in smoke filled bars and such. You know you are getting old when you enter a limozine and all the cars behind you turn on their lights. If being quoted makes you feel important, it is about time that you go out and purchase a parrot. One of the first things you learn when the kids start to use the car is how far you can drive when the gas guage stands on empty. I won't say Dan Quayle is dumb, but when the light changed to "WALK," he abandoned his car and got out and started walking. The seismogrpaph is a scientific device that enables scientists to distinguish between actual earthquakes and ordinary cocktail parties. It's a bird! It's a plane! It's superman! No, it's bad news, and it flies faster than a speeding bullet, faster than a supersonic plane, faster even than superman. It is like a fast arrow, taking the most direct and speediest route. Of course, the good news always travels too, but it takes it's time, and goes as the usual speed of nearly frozen molassas. Anyone who wears a coat and tie on their day off, unless that person is going to or coming from a funeral home, is certainly not above suspicion. A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions which your wife will gladly ask you free of charge and often. There is more excitement in one hour on a soap opera than there is in a whole life of living. The Beatles, the Lead Zepplin, the Grateful Dead...do I remember these? Not necessarily, at least not by name. I remember the generic name - NOISE. More than at any other time in all the history of humanity, we are at a crossroads, a place which demands of us a sincere and wise decision. A turn to the left at this time would certainly cause widespread despair and perhaps even confrontative reactions by the multitudes. A turn to the right would cause utter hopelessness and massive confusion among the citizenry. By going straight forward, we face certain extinction. I pray that we receive the wisdom to make a truly wise decision in these trying times. A child's talent to endure, stems from a vast ignorance of the alternatives available to the child. A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought you would use. Oral Roberts is not above making God an accomplice in his latest infamous ignobility, the nadir of which always seems to be record breaking. Every quasi-successful accomplishment is heralded with copious prayers, incantations and benedictions, not to mention the endless claims for what God does on Oral's television programs. There is never a lack of prayer for any victorious enormity, no matter how gross or perfideous. Proof positive, the higher the degree of ridiculousness the higher the probability of success. Democracy is wonderful and everyone wants it. You get to say anything you like to anyone you chose, as long as you wish. Then you do what you are told and pay the price that is demanded. Taxes are the oil that keeps democracy rolling without a squeak. It has come to our attention that there are far far too many nude mice in North America today. Help stamp out nude mice. (This is a Public Service Announcement) Marriage is a real challenge, inasmuch as it requires of both parties to it the highest possible awareness and understanding of complete insanity imaginable. If one can accomplish this, they can be said to have a sort of handle on the basics of marriage. Recommended Reading: Who's Who In New Zeland Embroidery Everyone becomes, if they are around long enough, the thing they most dispise. Two Bee or Not Two Bee - That is the Buzzing Question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer outrageously Those slings and arrows of outlandish expense Or, to take up arms against this large sea of deficits. And by opposing perhaps ending them. To cut, to spend, no more! And so by a cut we say we end The heartache and hemmerhoids of a thousands overruns To which the B-2 is heir. 'Tis indeed a connsumation devoutly to be desired. To cut, to spend.... To Spend? Perchance it is our opportunity to extend, to stretch out, enlarge, enrich, indeed, there's the rub of it all For in these efforts what new overruns may arise to show forth their ugly expense? When we have put off for a good long while deciding, It must give us pause. Therein is the respect that contains the calamity of delay. For Stealth knows well the climate of time and delay The lack of mission, the untried technology, all this it knows The great expense, the inevitable delays, the extreme costs, Yes, these are all it's familiars as are the excesses of price. The excessive secrecy and the cuts that must be made in favor of keeping within Gramm-Rudman, for target's sake. It knows well. When we ourselves might today Stealth's termination make... With a bare majority. Who would new tax burdens bare To pay the $ 70 Million price tag. When the dread of a turkey worse than the B-1 A flying bat-winged bomber whose cost per pound is that of gold, puzzles the mind mightily and at ponderous length. And it makes us want to keep those bombers that we have now, Than to fly others that we know not of at prices we can only imagine, never having had the experience of paying that much. Thus should conscience make of us conservative legislators all. And thus the hue of B-2 boosterism must be replaced with a sober cast of thought and this enterprize of great pith and moment Be halted now before it proceeds, A handsome bomber yes, but better not to be. Coming generations can not eat it. It offers nothing to agriculture. It does not reduce the national debt. It will not speed up the mails. It brings no cut in income tax. It is not going to cause families to stay together. It will not be any aid to education. It will do nothing to help medical costs go down. So, what good is something that won't do any of these things. PEOPLE COME FIRST! Originality is undetected plagiarism. Veteran speakers usually gesture vigorously and walk around. A moving target is harder to hit. To be a specialist is to be a person more apt to repeat the same mistakes over and over, since by being a specialist, no one really dares to tell you what you are doing wrong. Lawyers are one of the few groupings of folk for whom ignorance of the law goes relatively unpunished, but not unpaid. Doctors get to bury their mistakes, whereas an architect can only advice the client to plant vines. England's True Wealth: Foecal Matters and Their Application to Agriculture When you are looking for something interesting to read, why not try this one for size: "The History of Arabic Trade in Walrus Ivory and a Century of Price Indexing of Same." A Frenchman is credited with the invention of the sure cure for that age old malady which has been the enemy of folks for centuries, gray hair. The cure, while relatively simple, is admittedly somewhat drastic. It is called the guillotine. One application seems to solve the problem each and every time. An expert is a mechanic away from home. One of the better ways of saving face is accomplished by keeping the lower part of it shut. One of the more difficult aspects of public speaking is waking up the audience after the person who introduced you finishes with the remarks. Never listen to anyone who talks to you for over five minutes about all that things that have happened to them that have left them speechless! The speaker rose to speak after dinner and said " You have given your attention to a turkey stuffed with sage, and now you are asked to give your attention to a sage stuffed with turkey." A Catholic took his Protestant friend to Mass and the Priest talked and talked and talked. In one of the few moments of silence, the Protestant visitor turned to his Catholic host and asked in a rather loud stage whisper which everyone heard, " What follows when the Priest quits?" And the Catholic rather sorrowfully replied, "Monday!" Once upon a time a lion killed a bull and ate the entire animal. Feeling so well about it, the lion roared and roared. A hunter heard the lion roar, came over and shot the animal. With one shell, the hunter killed that lion. Moral: When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut. You can tell what a person is by what they do when they haven't anything to do. He who cheats a friend will have no trouble interjecting sin in his relationship with God. Develop no anxiety concerning those things which are not yet, nor those things which were but are no longer. No one is too great to be courteous, but some are not so great and lack it. Taking out without putting in is the quickest way to the bottom, for the course is never up! Learning is like rowing upstream, when not to advance is to drop back. Never envy a person unless you are willing to swap identities with that person. Are you getting sick and tired of people saying some nerdy thing to you like: "Have a nice day!" Sometimes people say this to me while wishing that if I die, I do it on cheap embalming fluid. They don't mean it. So, I have an answer for it. "Have a nice day," they say. "I have other plans!" I tell them. Every good person has learned how to obey, whom to obey and when to obey. Valuable lessons each. There is no such thing as an insignificant enemy. Those who do not study are like cattle dressed in men's clothing. A truly despicable person must work at it to become that way, for no one simply accomplishes even this state of affairs without some effort and sense of direction. When you lend something to a friend, you do not necessarily do that friend a favor for the friend has a damaged memormy and experiences some difficulty remembering the terms of the contract. Ultimately, you have harmed the memory of the friend. No one is ever caught in places that person did not visit. The longest word in the English language is: "And now a word from our honored guest." The question may arise, when listening to a public speeker, as to whether the speaker has put enough fire into his speech, or whether the speeker has put enough of his speech into the fire. If what we see is somewhat doubtful, how can we believe what is spoken behind our back? Do not cut down the tree that gives you shade. If a man boasts a great deal about what he is going to do tomorrow, it is timely to check into what he did yesterday! A person shows what she is by what she does with what she has when she is able. When drinking from the stream it is well to remember the spring. You are what you are and little can be gained by making a fool of yourself trying to be someone else, someone you are not. Be true to yourself. The first step in effecting a cure is to be able to diagnose the nature of the disease. Drink injures a person internally, externally and eternally. To argue with someone who has drunk too much is like having an argument with someone who isn't there. There is nothing quite so bad as being asked to give a speech when one is unprepared. Well maybe there is something this bad, that that is being prepared to give a speech and not being asked. Who gossips to you will gossip of you. Those who seek more than they need hinder their enjoyment of what they actually have. If you would be happy when others about you are not, while they count their troubles, you should take time out to count your blessings. Most good intentions find their death and graveyard in the field of indecision. The very best of wines makes the best of vinegar. Likewise the very greatest love can also turn into the most profound hatred. Any ordinarily easy task can be rendered far more difficult with research. There is no limit to the height a man may attain if he simply stays on the level. A good beginning of many things does not necessarily include a great conclusion to all of these. If you desire to be accepted into a society and known as a fair sort of person, you must agree to be taught many things you have already long known. Beware of that person who is slow to anger. For when it is long in coming, it stays longer and is warmer and dies not so easily. Abused patience is a very strong fuel for a fire not easily put out by any known means. Taking the line of least resistence makes both men and rivers crooked. Those who ask questions risk being a fool for five minutes, whereas those who do not ask questions risk being a fool forever. Ok, folks, some of you insist that math is an exact science, that algebra is much the same, and all that kind of stuff, so tell me, will you, how can three squares a day at the feed box make a person so round? You want the real diet of success? You want the great secret? You want to know how to shed those unwanted pounds? Now you are going to learn, to get the real answer, the great secret is out. Yes, you too can do it. You eat all you want of those two or three things you absolutely hate. An obstacle, that is, and unrecognized opportunity, often shows up when you lose sight of the goal. The obscure we see eventually, the completely obvious takes a little longer. The problem with the way many people live their lives is that they spend most of their time providing for their old age, to the point where they do not live long enough to enjoy it. It takes a strong person to swim against the current. Any dead fish can float with it. For the pessimist, there is difficulty in every opportunity. For the optimist, there is opportunity in every difficulty. If you really want to be original, try being yourself, since God never made any two of us alike. Variety is the spice of life. Variety is what makes the world go around. Eat, drink and be merry, and tomorrow, you'll wish you were dead. When the credit card statement comes at the end of the month, you will get your wish. One of those things which is so simple that even a child can operate it is a parent. The ability to say no is one of the greatest gifts any parent can have. Well, unless you count the ability to stay with this position in spite of all the requests that are made for reconsideration. There really is no such thing as a fairly good pancake. Visits always bring joy - if not in the arrival, surely in the departure! Between birth and death there is nothing worthwhile doing, save enjoying the interval. A Kamikaze Pilot enjoys the limitation of being a success but once. Know myself! What kind of a sentence is that? What wrong did I do so serious? Do not write in this space ( ) Thank You! Things have not been getting better since the day of the discovery of the ball point pen that writes underwater. It is not going to be a good day when you ask the mechanic for an estimate and he says he has to go inside for a larger calculator. From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.